I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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