I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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