Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
