It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
