My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
