Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
