Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize