my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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