I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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