he wants to bone in the snuggie
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
