For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
