love makes seman taste better
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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