please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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