just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
