I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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