My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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