Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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