I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
