Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
