Do you still have your period?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
