nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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