so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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