it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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