i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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