New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
