There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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