No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
