If i come over, it means nothing
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
