Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
