Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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