new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
