The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
