plz talk dirty to me
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
cat food counts as protein by the way
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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