UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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