The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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