why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
