I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
