Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
