Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
