I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
