I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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