I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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