i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
