I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
