Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
