some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
