Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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