I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
