Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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