is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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