rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
