She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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