Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We talked him into tasing himself.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
