I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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