I'm going to jail i love you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
