I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
