My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
