im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
