so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
