I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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