I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
