i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
