I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
