You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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