I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize