Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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