From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
