I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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