it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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