stop calling my apartment porn island.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
