And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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