Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
