well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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