I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
